Empty like a deserted hallway.

I feel utterly empty.

This isn’t a feeling I’m use too. I’m use to some kind of emotion, recently it’s been anger, or pain, or something. But this feeling I’ve got right now…it’s just emptiness.

I don’t know why. I should be excited. In about 12 hours I’m going to be caring for people all by myself. I’m going to be taking care of them, doing what I can to ensure that they make it out of the hospital alive, etc. etc.

But I don’t feel anything.

It’s not burn out, depression, or anything else. It’s just emptiness. And I’d love to know where it came from.

Well…I sort of know. It’s coming from the wall I build whenever I’m scared and don’t want to be hurt. Or when I’ve been hurt and am trying to prevent any more pain. But honestly…right now I’d rather have the pain, the anger, the ANYTHING.

I know I’m alive (my pulse is going, my heart beating) and like I said I’m not depressed. I’m not even resigned that tomorrow is gunna suck, or the day after that, or the one after that.

I just feel like something left me. I went to the second funeral/calling hours in one week today. November btw is starting to suck. 2 deaths, family member just diagnosed with cancer. I mean what’s next…and yes it can get worse, and always does.

I think I’m to the point right now, where I’m like – I don’t want to care. Because I don’t – everytime I do, I get burned. If I care about my patients at work – I get burned (they don’t want my help, only a hand out); if I care for my family they don’t want to listen (how do I get my 82 year old Grandpa to stop using fricking salt??? He won’t listen to the “it’s gunna kill you” argument); and we’ve already determined what happenes when I care about someone who’s not family or patient…I just get steamrolled.

But honestly, right now I just want to feel something. Even if it hurts, even if it sucks, even if it’s the worst feeling ever. I want to feel something. Oh well, this too will pass…

….Hopefully.