Thanksgiving - ER Style

Well,

Thanksgiving has come, and gone. And I spent it in the Emergency Room. Well, I was taking care of people in the Emergency Room.

It got me thinking - what did I have to be thankful for? I mean besides the obvious of food, shelter and good health. I had family for one thing. Talking with my coworkers many of them won't be home till after New Years.

But I think that I saw something interesting tonight. Most of the usual people who come to the ER (aka people who have no insurance/are drug seeking/etc.) didn't show up tonight. Most of the cases were people who were worried and just had a few things go wrong. And nobody who'd managed to blow up their own turkey - I kinda wish I'd seen one of those.

So I guess I'm very thankful to have been healthy enough to be taking care of those who needed my help this thanksgiving.

I know I'm thankful for my job - I still know friends who haven't found one; whom graduated last year. While the world may tell you that the economy is better...South Carolina still seems to be taking a beating. And boy am I glad I've got a job. Even more so that it's a job I love to do.

So while it's short and sweet, I'm thankful for all these things - and i'm very thankful that I was able to help some people make their Thanksgiving alittle better by being there.

Empty like a deserted hallway.

I feel utterly empty.

This isn’t a feeling I’m use too. I’m use to some kind of emotion, recently it’s been anger, or pain, or something. But this feeling I’ve got right now…it’s just emptiness.

I don’t know why. I should be excited. In about 12 hours I’m going to be caring for people all by myself. I’m going to be taking care of them, doing what I can to ensure that they make it out of the hospital alive, etc. etc.

But I don’t feel anything.

It’s not burn out, depression, or anything else. It’s just emptiness. And I’d love to know where it came from.

Well…I sort of know. It’s coming from the wall I build whenever I’m scared and don’t want to be hurt. Or when I’ve been hurt and am trying to prevent any more pain. But honestly…right now I’d rather have the pain, the anger, the ANYTHING.

I know I’m alive (my pulse is going, my heart beating) and like I said I’m not depressed. I’m not even resigned that tomorrow is gunna suck, or the day after that, or the one after that.

I just feel like something left me. I went to the second funeral/calling hours in one week today. November btw is starting to suck. 2 deaths, family member just diagnosed with cancer. I mean what’s next…and yes it can get worse, and always does.

I think I’m to the point right now, where I’m like – I don’t want to care. Because I don’t – everytime I do, I get burned. If I care about my patients at work – I get burned (they don’t want my help, only a hand out); if I care for my family they don’t want to listen (how do I get my 82 year old Grandpa to stop using fricking salt??? He won’t listen to the “it’s gunna kill you” argument); and we’ve already determined what happenes when I care about someone who’s not family or patient…I just get steamrolled.

But honestly, right now I just want to feel something. Even if it hurts, even if it sucks, even if it’s the worst feeling ever. I want to feel something. Oh well, this too will pass…

….Hopefully.

Goodbye Month of October, You Sucked

So who’s glad to see October go?

That month can suck my….well you know. I don’t think there were two days in a row that I liked in October (a couple days here and there that were “ok”). But I mean…even Halloween was lousy. Tainted by learning of a tragedy that far out ways anything to have happened to me.

But now it’s gone. So now, November is going to be better, right?

God I hope so.

I get off orientation in 5 days. *Gulp*

So I get to “play nurse” for real. No more people looking over my shoulder, no more excuses. It’s all about me now.

Wow…never thought this day would come.

….Never thought I’d be this scared about that day.

I’m not going to lie, my orientation hasn’t been what I thought it would be. I’ve watched some nurses get eaten alive on orientation (and thus sucked as nurses) and I’ve watched others get shown everything everywhere and they are stellar nurses.

Me? Mine was a roller coaster ride of what I could and couldn’t do. Of what I HAD to do, and then what I should do. Mixed in were a bunch of times getting tossed under the bus, and getting reamed for doing things for patients that cost time.

Every “good” nurse I’ve ever known says that orientation is the basis of your nursing career, it’s how you base the rest of your work on it – well, sorry it ain’t happening. I’ve learned some very important things; other things have just sucked on it. So therefore I’m going to be starting over. Relearning and figuring everything out.

After all, I’m too thick headed and stubborn to give up. I will find my way, and I will knock the pants off it!

So, nursing will really begin in less than a week.

The question is, what do I do with the rest of my life? I mean you can’t just work right? I know nurses that do, and they are damn good at their jobs. But that’s not for me is it? That’s not all I’ve got left in the tank is it? At 23??

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m tired of being alone, but I’m tired of playing games. I’m tired of being the “nice guy” but not willing to be the “bad boy.”

I guess we go for status quo. And for me that means waiting, just seeing what the future holds. Sounds good to me.

So, it seems good that October is ending, maybe the future will get brighter!

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right?

If that’s the case… Then well November is starting on a really crappy way of starting.

Last night I went to the calling hours of a former coworker. A 20 year old kid. Who was quick to laugh, slow to complain and always up for hard work.

RIP Justin Groves

November…your already starting to suck!