I hate being an adult. I hate being mature, responsible, grown-up, etc. I hate all of that.
Because when I have to act "my age" I have to acknowledge that things aren’t going to go my way. That life is gunna suck, more often than not.
But most of all...I don't like it because being an adult means that I have to act like I’m ok when I get hurt. Even when I'm Not OK.
Someone I know once said they don’t like to rant, because they hate people feeling sorry for them. I know the feeling, but I figure this blog is all about me growing up, and sometimes when you grow up, you just got to let off some steam.
So you know what…that’s what I’m going to do…
It’s been 3 weeks.
3 weeks since she told me she needed time/space. Not because of something I did, but because she needed more time to get over her ex.
Ok, that in and of itself I can understand, from a purely outsider standpoint, yes I can understand it – yes it can even make sense.
But I’m not an outsider. I’m me, I’m the boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend I guess). I should have been furious, I should have told her to go to hell, I should have said all kinds of “un-adult” things it would make your hair curl.
But I didn’t. I was an adult, I even ENCOURAGED her to miss her ex, to still care about him, even to try and CONTACT HIM!!! All while inside my heart was ripping itself in half. I comforted her, told her it was going to be ok…I couldn’t bring myself to be a jerk, couldn’t bring myself to be the child I so badly wanted to behave like.
Why oh, why did I fall in love with her????
I even asked if she wanted me to wait for her, and she told me it might be a really long time.
I should have said “Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.” And split… did I? Of course not!!!
I told her I’d wait for her…check that, I PROMISED I’d wait for her, give her time – and if she wanted me back, I’d be there. I PROMISED I’d be her friend through all of this, promised I’d be there for her, no matter what happened.
And you know what, about 2 weeks later I finally got up the nerve to tell her I wasn’t ready to give up. I wasn’t ready to stop fighting for her.
So what now….now I’m not even getting anything in response.
Now I’m left wondering if it meant anything at all. Now I’m left holding the pieces of myself.
Now, 3 weeks later I can say: No, I’m not OK.
Even with the façade I put on, the smile and laugh I throw up every time I wake up in the morning, I still think about her. Still wish I could talk to her, be with her. I’m just not the kind of guy that gets over a girl at the drop of a hat.
And you see there’s that nagging promise…again I’m being the adult person – and keeping my word. No matter the outcome, no matter how much it could hurt me in the end. I will keep it, period. End of Story!
But you know what….it still sucks. It still hurts. It’s still a struggle. And you know what??? Why can’t for once, just once – something go my way???
Alright, I think…I think I’m doing being a child, I think I can go back to being an adult again.
