Happy Birthday to the "Old"

So…I’m 23

Man, I’m old. Well…at least that’s how a feel some days. I mean at my age, my parents were already married, my grandparents already had one kid – heck a thousand years ago, I’d have been one of the “elders” in a tribe.

What’s funny though…is that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I graduated from college, with a BSN, what does that mean? It means I will be somebody – even if that somebody is just known as “that nurse”. No-one can know haw calming it is to come to this realization, or how calming it is.

I can remember birthdays when I was young, I’d be awake at 7AM, and bounce downstairs – because it was my day. And I couldn’t sit still until after dinner, I didn’t even want to eat cake, just give me the presents!

Then after I turned 21 (remember here in the U.S. that is the “last milestone” in young life) I kind of took a look about it as, wait…1/5 of my life is over (more like 1/4^th) and I would freak out, and try and plan what to do to make the most of my time, and then realize that all the time I had been “planning” I’d been wasting, and then I’d freak out and try to plan “faster”. But, that changed in the last two weeks.

I guess you could say I’ve “mellowed with age”. My birthday is still a day I look forward to, but honestly – on Friday (graduation) I completely forgot it was coming up. Yes it’s special, but it no longer is a day a fear. So what if I only remember part of the first quarter of it, so what if the past 5 years were so slammed that what I remember of them is only bits and pieces. I’ve still got at least one day ahead of me. So why fret.

So unlike when I was little, this birthday has been relatively calm. I did some cleaning, some goofing around, and some thinking. I thought back to graduation, and Christmas and then all the way back to my last birthday. And I have to say, this past year had been great. Not too slammed, not too boring, pretty much par for the course, with the last 4 months leading up to the biggest accomplishment of my life. It’s been one heck of a year.

In this past year, I got my first “real” job, hit a baseball, made some great friends, graduated from college, etc. etc. As you can see – some pretty awesome stuff!. So I guess all there is to do is look forward to the next 365 days. What will they bring? What joys and what elations, what accomplishments, and rewards.

Alright, yes, yes before every one of you pessimists, gets on my case: I know that currently this world is not the most optimistic place. Sure there’s 2 wars in the middle east, North Korea (and Iran) have Nukes. Each day thousands of species of plants and animals disipear from the face of the earth forever, and the president of the United States becomes more and more of a moron.

But what’s there to be worried about? Global Warming? Nuclear Winter, World War 4, The Annihilation of the Environment, and the Extinction of the Human Race? With all that, why not just crawl under the covers, curl up into the fetal position, suck my thumb and wait for it all to end. The point I’m trying to make is, it’s great to think (or worry) about the future, but do it too much, and you won’t be able to move out of the present.

So I’ll look at the positive it that’s ok with you? How about that within a year, I’ll be a registered nurse working in a hospital, driving my own car (a Ford F-150 sounds good) back to my own place. And later that night I’ll go out with a beautiful, intelligent woman (I said I was thinking positively after all!)

But, for now I think I’ll crack the top on a cold beer, put up my feet, and watch the Tigers play the Yankees. I’ll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow – and it will be ok.

“So Happy Birthday to me, Hooray I’m twenty-three, there’s surely be a lot more, so come on back and celebrate twenty-four.”

Welcome, to the Brave New World!

May 7th, 2010.

I made it.

I sit here staring at my clock at 1:17AM the night of Graduation. And all I can think about is....YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Five years ago I started a journey - they may (or may not have been) for the right reasons. But I stated it at the University of South Carolina. And this afternoon, at 4:14PM...I graduated from that same University, with a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. When they called my name...I couldn't feel the floor, I couldn't feel anything but I could feel the smile, as I walked and shook hands with the dean and the president of the university and I moved that tassel to the left side. I had done it! I was not the royal screw up that I always think I am in my mind. I had graduated from a institution of higher learning, and for whatever it's faults, a top tear college.

So now...at this late hour, I have been "reliving" my past five years. Which started with a naive, homeschooled, freshman walking into his first class (German 121) sitting down and without much adu - my college career had begun! Over the next 1700 days, I would go through so many ups and downs it would be the longest roller coaster of my life. But I made it, and the final wasn't a down...but the highest up in my entire life!

It all started, with my brain saying "Lets be a doctor, and help people"! So Biology...here I come.

In that first year I learned several valuable lessons - do your work (because nobody will do it for you), study (because a Biology 101 exam that covers the genetic make up of the cells won't just osmoticly fuse into your brain), and realize that there's a long way to go. I got the first C of my entire life, and was happy about it (because, it was that or fail), went to my first Football game (and watched the Gamecocks kick Urban Meyer's Gaters Asses!!!), and learned the hard way that money...doesn't grow on trees. I met some people, made the dean's list, and learned more in 17 weeks than I thought possible.

Then it hit the fan. That spring, I ran into Biology 102 - and the professor from hell. You know, the one who is proud that less than half the class will pass his class. Well I also learned that I loved lab work, but hated plants. Found out that as wonderful as professors could be, there were also the one's who couldn't care, hated teaching, or treated you like the scum between their toes. In this semester I began to seriously doubt my wish to become a doctor, after all, was it really worth this heart ache? In this semester I got my first D, went to my first basketball game, pulled an all nighter writing a paper (for the record, never a good idea). And then had an entire summer to think about what I wanted to do.

Enter into the second year of my college career. I sat through meetings, speakers and Biology 102, again. And about half way through realized - doctors don't do what I want to do. Nurses do, what I want to do. So, I decided at that point - it was time to change. So I busted my butt, made sure I passed all my classes, and without realizing that I might not be accepted, transferred into the nursing program (and was accepted).

That spring, I met the guy who would become my best friend (who also saved my butt in Chemistry and every other nursing course, many times over). Learned that I "Didn't, know "all that"", and that my Mother - who had been a nurse for over 25 years, was a true saint! I also pulled the only 4.0 - straight A semester of my college career. I made the presidents list, started truly going to the Newman club - and making friends there, and started to actually love my schooling. I also went through the hell of a breakup, after 4 years with a girl whom I thought I would spend an eternity with - as it turns out...I was much better off afterwords.

But I made through the next 12 months of lower division of Nursing school - and was accepted into the college of nursing's upper division - one of 180 (and 1 of 7 guys). And then....then the fun began.

That first semester of upper division, I learned that sleep - is a luxury, not a guarantee, I learned that I hated care plans, that patients found ways to get poop on everything, except the bed pan, and that taking care of someone who was dying, was not only a duty, but a privilege. I also learned that...I had a big mouth, and a habit of getting on the professors shit lists. I learned that you had to know everything and anything they said, you read, or existed in their imaginations, because you would be tested on it. But I made it! I still made it through that first semester.

Then the second one started...and I helped birth a baby, and in the process learned...I didn't want to be an OB/GYN nurse, I learned that no matter how many times you tell a kid you don't have a shot, they still cry whenever you come in the room, and that sometimes patients lie...a lot. But I had started learning more, I was remembering medications (don't give Digoxen if their heart rate is below 60), and was learning that I could ask for help, because...boy did I need it. I skirted with suspension, continued to stay in the doghouses of professors, but began to build a closer nit group of people whom I relied on, and who were going through it all. I began to also realize how important several people truly were to me.

So my final year started, in this year I lost my first patient, lost my second patient, had to work harder than I ever had before because of fear of not passing and not graduating. Watched several friends lives explode and then begin to be rebuilt. I performed CPR on a human being for the first time, got chewed out by doctors, nurses, professors, family members, friends and I think the kitchen staff more times than I could count, but never stopped asking questions. Was kicked out of my first, and final clinical, helped care for patients with bi-polar, skit, borderline personality disorder, and every other mental condition known to man - and realized...I'm not nearly as crazy as I thought.

And then we come to this semester. the big one, the final one. The one to end them all! I started the count down, it got closer (120 days, 100 days, 50 days, 30, 10 5...1 day). I learned how ER's work, learned that sometimes it's smarter to keep your mouth shut than to rock the boat (and then rocked the boat anyway...once again landing me in a doghouse). I gave report on patients, took a whole patient care load, felt what it was like to truly get slammed, be so busy you forget to pee, let alone eat. By the way though...patients still manage to poop on everything...except for the bed pans. As the days got closer, I began to worry more and more, that I had forgotten something, as one by one the grades began to show up, I was still scared.

Then it was the day before graduation. The Pinning ceremony. This is when it started to feel real, I was really going to do this - but I still didn't dare let myself believe, because, you never know what's going to happen (remember I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth). I walked across the stage and got my nursing pin, and...I couldn't help but smile I was so close, and with my family cheering for me in the audience, it felt so wonderful. That night, myself, my family and my best friend celebrated our accomplishments).

The next day - today - was graduation. I couldn't sleep the night before, was up early, got everything set up - decorated my mortarboard, and then tried to sit still - which didn't work. After getting to graduation, I said hello to some friends, congratulated some people, and then waited for it to start - all the while, slightly hyperventilating, running a slightly tachacardic heart rate (220 bpm is ok right??), not daring to believe it was happening.

The Ceremony began, it was nice, the speaker was interesting, and people began walking up. Then I stood up, suddenly I started to think...wait, is it going to happen? Really, Really? I smiled at my family as I walked by them, smiled at the professors as I walked by them. And then heard them call my name, and I about exploded. I did it...I really had done it. I crossed the stage, shook the hands, moved my tassel, made the sign of the cross - and I had done it. I had graduated. I know the rest of the ceremony happened, and I remember it - but all I thought about was....I MADE IT!!! The car ride home, dinner, and then relaxing here tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about it - I had done it.

So I think it is only fitting that I end with the most important part of this, there are many people who helped me on my journey, but there are four in particular that I need to recognize: they truly helped me make it.

First I want to thank my Dad. Without him, my papers would not have passed a 4th grade level, my study habits would have made kindergartners laugh, and my work ethic would have been non-existent - if I graduated, it would not be with the 3.18 that I did, it would be with something that I wouldn't be proud of. You showed me that doing the right thing, wasn't always easy, or fun, or popular - but it was still, the right thing! Dad, if it wasn't for you, as both a teacher and a father, I don't believe I could have made it through some of those assignments, you helped me so much and I can never repay you enough. Thank You, and I love you!

My little brother, you pushed me - maybe without knowing it, to always show that I could do something, to always TRY and give a good example, especially when you were better at something. You showed me that many things you do, may not be popular with other people, but may be the right thing to do. You may not realize it, but you truly are an inspiration to me, and someone I look up to - I think, no I know - that without you always there, I'd have simply faded into the background instead of constantly wanting to be better and always be leading the way. Thank You, and I love you!

Next came my best friend: Michael Zane, without whom I may have not passed classes, for my problem about not always reading everything, being a trouble maker, etc. But Michael, you made me (several times coming to my house, and forcing me to do it) do my assignments, you helped me find ways around my frustrations with professors, and with the system - and you helped me study for tests that I had no idea about. You also have been an amazing roll model, friend and "older brother". Thank You, and I love you!

Finally, I have my mother. The 25 year veteran of nursing, who pushed and prodded me to do my best. The one who showed me that it's ok to care about other people, and who showed me that it's ok to fight for what you believe they need - even if it makes you unpopular. I saw that you will have bad days, and good days - and I saw that it was ok to cry after loosing a patient, or get mad after something happened. But you also showed me the love you had for this profession, and the determination to help others, and for that, no one else could have given it to me. If it wasn't for you as a mother - I don't believe I could be the kind of nurse I want to be. Thank You, and I love you!