Merry Christmas to All

Well, Christmas Came, and Christmas went.

And over all – it was a really good one!

I (very crazily) volunteered to come into the ER so that people with children could get ready for Santa’s coming last night. And for once, I think God decided that maybe just maybe we’d have a good night. The night was steady – but not busy. We had a couple sick people, but almost all were able to be sent home.

The staff were able to joke and laugh and remember that the reason we do this job is not for the pay, or the great hours (ok so that’s sarcasm) but for the people we take care of – even the slightly crazy ones!

7AM rolled around and guess what, I had made it through the night. I drove home and what to my wondering eyes did appear? But a Christmas tree surrounded by gifts – I guess Santa came after all, maybe I wasn’t such a bad kid afterall.

The rest of the morning was spent with family opening gifts and getting use to the new things – It was quite wonderful actually! Then graciously my family let me go get a couple hours sleep, and then I was awoken to come down for Christmas dinner.

More family and friends had arrived and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner of lasagna and other delicious foods. Great fun, and lots of laughing. And a little later – cousins arrived and we had a family Gift Exchange. All in all it was quite a wonderful Christmas.

So while Christmas is now officially over, I wish to you and your all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Will a real nurse please stand up?

So...does everybody become jaded?

Does everyone start to hate being a nurse. Start to hate their patients? The Doctors? Everything??? Even the people that have only been doing this a couple years!

Yes some patients suck, the drunks who piss on your shoes. The Schizophrenic that attempts to tackle you in their break for freedom, the patients that only want morphine or dilaudid - and the just plain stupid/ignorant people. Yes, you will see ALL of these people in a shift, but they are still people?

And yes, the ER seems to be the worst place for all this. But still people, this...this is bad.

Why did you become a nurse if all you want to do is bitch, moan and Sit on your fat lazy arse?!?!? Again, yes there are days that suck so sure a little complaining, fine - before you even get on the floor? Absofreakenlootly Not!

Yes I'm new, Yes I'm naive, Yes I still try to see the good in people - but you know what? I love my job, all the parts of it! I love the kids that scream, I love the old people that tell me what to do, I love every aspect of my job. And I have too!

I got into this profession after thinking long and hard and realizing that I didn't want to be a doctor, I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to really care for people. Even if just for a few minutes. I wanted to be that person.

All I see in coworkers, professors or bloggers is tired, burned out people. But the thing that stung the most...a Nurse saying that she didn't want to be the "Angel" that nurses are.

Nursing (with the exception of 2001) is the #1 most trusted profession in the United States. Because people believe nurse want to help others, and I'll be damned if I’m going to turn into one of those people that doesn't care.

Yes, my days suck - yes sometimes I truly want to scream and yell and curse but you know what, I can't. I have to make sure my patients are OK, and I will. The day I stop caring will be the day I have to quit.

Alright, I’m done, that rant is out of the way. I’ll try to post something happier soon – just working around some lovely stuff everyday.

And maybe…just maybe this will help:

Just a small reminder of why we do what we do:

Nurse’s Prayer

Lord, please help me to bring

Comfort where there is pain

Courage where there is fear

Hope where there is despair

Acceptance when the end is near

And

A gentle touch with

Tenderness, patients and love.

Amen.

Thanksgiving - ER Style

Well,

Thanksgiving has come, and gone. And I spent it in the Emergency Room. Well, I was taking care of people in the Emergency Room.

It got me thinking - what did I have to be thankful for? I mean besides the obvious of food, shelter and good health. I had family for one thing. Talking with my coworkers many of them won't be home till after New Years.

But I think that I saw something interesting tonight. Most of the usual people who come to the ER (aka people who have no insurance/are drug seeking/etc.) didn't show up tonight. Most of the cases were people who were worried and just had a few things go wrong. And nobody who'd managed to blow up their own turkey - I kinda wish I'd seen one of those.

So I guess I'm very thankful to have been healthy enough to be taking care of those who needed my help this thanksgiving.

I know I'm thankful for my job - I still know friends who haven't found one; whom graduated last year. While the world may tell you that the economy is better...South Carolina still seems to be taking a beating. And boy am I glad I've got a job. Even more so that it's a job I love to do.

So while it's short and sweet, I'm thankful for all these things - and i'm very thankful that I was able to help some people make their Thanksgiving alittle better by being there.

Empty like a deserted hallway.

I feel utterly empty.

This isn’t a feeling I’m use too. I’m use to some kind of emotion, recently it’s been anger, or pain, or something. But this feeling I’ve got right now…it’s just emptiness.

I don’t know why. I should be excited. In about 12 hours I’m going to be caring for people all by myself. I’m going to be taking care of them, doing what I can to ensure that they make it out of the hospital alive, etc. etc.

But I don’t feel anything.

It’s not burn out, depression, or anything else. It’s just emptiness. And I’d love to know where it came from.

Well…I sort of know. It’s coming from the wall I build whenever I’m scared and don’t want to be hurt. Or when I’ve been hurt and am trying to prevent any more pain. But honestly…right now I’d rather have the pain, the anger, the ANYTHING.

I know I’m alive (my pulse is going, my heart beating) and like I said I’m not depressed. I’m not even resigned that tomorrow is gunna suck, or the day after that, or the one after that.

I just feel like something left me. I went to the second funeral/calling hours in one week today. November btw is starting to suck. 2 deaths, family member just diagnosed with cancer. I mean what’s next…and yes it can get worse, and always does.

I think I’m to the point right now, where I’m like – I don’t want to care. Because I don’t – everytime I do, I get burned. If I care about my patients at work – I get burned (they don’t want my help, only a hand out); if I care for my family they don’t want to listen (how do I get my 82 year old Grandpa to stop using fricking salt??? He won’t listen to the “it’s gunna kill you” argument); and we’ve already determined what happenes when I care about someone who’s not family or patient…I just get steamrolled.

But honestly, right now I just want to feel something. Even if it hurts, even if it sucks, even if it’s the worst feeling ever. I want to feel something. Oh well, this too will pass…

….Hopefully.

Goodbye Month of October, You Sucked

So who’s glad to see October go?

That month can suck my….well you know. I don’t think there were two days in a row that I liked in October (a couple days here and there that were “ok”). But I mean…even Halloween was lousy. Tainted by learning of a tragedy that far out ways anything to have happened to me.

But now it’s gone. So now, November is going to be better, right?

God I hope so.

I get off orientation in 5 days. *Gulp*

So I get to “play nurse” for real. No more people looking over my shoulder, no more excuses. It’s all about me now.

Wow…never thought this day would come.

….Never thought I’d be this scared about that day.

I’m not going to lie, my orientation hasn’t been what I thought it would be. I’ve watched some nurses get eaten alive on orientation (and thus sucked as nurses) and I’ve watched others get shown everything everywhere and they are stellar nurses.

Me? Mine was a roller coaster ride of what I could and couldn’t do. Of what I HAD to do, and then what I should do. Mixed in were a bunch of times getting tossed under the bus, and getting reamed for doing things for patients that cost time.

Every “good” nurse I’ve ever known says that orientation is the basis of your nursing career, it’s how you base the rest of your work on it – well, sorry it ain’t happening. I’ve learned some very important things; other things have just sucked on it. So therefore I’m going to be starting over. Relearning and figuring everything out.

After all, I’m too thick headed and stubborn to give up. I will find my way, and I will knock the pants off it!

So, nursing will really begin in less than a week.

The question is, what do I do with the rest of my life? I mean you can’t just work right? I know nurses that do, and they are damn good at their jobs. But that’s not for me is it? That’s not all I’ve got left in the tank is it? At 23??

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m tired of being alone, but I’m tired of playing games. I’m tired of being the “nice guy” but not willing to be the “bad boy.”

I guess we go for status quo. And for me that means waiting, just seeing what the future holds. Sounds good to me.

So, it seems good that October is ending, maybe the future will get brighter!

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right?

If that’s the case… Then well November is starting on a really crappy way of starting.

Last night I went to the calling hours of a former coworker. A 20 year old kid. Who was quick to laugh, slow to complain and always up for hard work.

RIP Justin Groves

November…your already starting to suck!

A completely unrelated article - about life

I hate being an adult. I hate being mature, responsible, grown-up, etc. I hate all of that.

Because when I have to act "my age" I have to acknowledge that things aren’t going to go my way. That life is gunna suck, more often than not.

But most of all...I don't like it because being an adult means that I have to act like I’m ok when I get hurt. Even when I'm Not OK.

Someone I know once said they don’t like to rant, because they hate people feeling sorry for them. I know the feeling, but I figure this blog is all about me growing up, and sometimes when you grow up, you just got to let off some steam.

So you know what…that’s what I’m going to do…

It’s been 3 weeks.

3 weeks since she told me she needed time/space. Not because of something I did, but because she needed more time to get over her ex.

Ok, that in and of itself I can understand, from a purely outsider standpoint, yes I can understand it – yes it can even make sense.

But I’m not an outsider. I’m me, I’m the boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend I guess). I should have been furious, I should have told her to go to hell, I should have said all kinds of “un-adult” things it would make your hair curl.

But I didn’t. I was an adult, I even ENCOURAGED her to miss her ex, to still care about him, even to try and CONTACT HIM!!! All while inside my heart was ripping itself in half. I comforted her, told her it was going to be ok…I couldn’t bring myself to be a jerk, couldn’t bring myself to be the child I so badly wanted to behave like.

Why oh, why did I fall in love with her????

I even asked if she wanted me to wait for her, and she told me it might be a really long time.

I should have said “Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.” And split… did I? Of course not!!!

I told her I’d wait for her…check that, I PROMISED I’d wait for her, give her time – and if she wanted me back, I’d be there. I PROMISED I’d be her friend through all of this, promised I’d be there for her, no matter what happened.

And you know what, about 2 weeks later I finally got up the nerve to tell her I wasn’t ready to give up. I wasn’t ready to stop fighting for her.

So what now….now I’m not even getting anything in response.

Now I’m left wondering if it meant anything at all. Now I’m left holding the pieces of myself.

Now, 3 weeks later I can say: No, I’m not OK.

Even with the façade I put on, the smile and laugh I throw up every time I wake up in the morning, I still think about her. Still wish I could talk to her, be with her. I’m just not the kind of guy that gets over a girl at the drop of a hat.

And you see there’s that nagging promise…again I’m being the adult person – and keeping my word. No matter the outcome, no matter how much it could hurt me in the end. I will keep it, period. End of Story!

But you know what….it still sucks. It still hurts. It’s still a struggle. And you know what??? Why can’t for once, just once – something go my way???

Alright, I think…I think I’m doing being a child, I think I can go back to being an adult again.

Busy, Busy...Zzzzzzz

So...what's a good day as a nurse?

I'd have to say a day like yesterday. A day where I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about my own problems.

A day where I had to worry about my patients, and not about myself. Yesterday I had a whole bunch of everything. I took care of a kid with a fever of 103.4 (poor little guy looked pitiful). I had a patient who's face was punched in by his sibling's boyfriend (Alcohol does so many wonderful things).

I had a patient that was worryed about herself and didn't complain about anything - she just wanted to makesure she was ok. And then I had about 100 other patients that were normal run of the mill patients.

And that was the first 12 hours. My smart self desided to add 4 more hours to myshift to help out. And in that time...man it was tiring. Again more patients (learned it was a full moon last night, that explains alot). At 5 minutes before I would be able to go home, I took 200 orders from a doc that was half asleep while he was talking to me on the phone. Gotta love my job!

But yeah, all in all it was a pretty good day - didn't have to think about how sucky life outside of the hospital is.