Will a real nurse please stand up?

So...does everybody become jaded?

Does everyone start to hate being a nurse. Start to hate their patients? The Doctors? Everything??? Even the people that have only been doing this a couple years!

Yes some patients suck, the drunks who piss on your shoes. The Schizophrenic that attempts to tackle you in their break for freedom, the patients that only want morphine or dilaudid - and the just plain stupid/ignorant people. Yes, you will see ALL of these people in a shift, but they are still people?

And yes, the ER seems to be the worst place for all this. But still people, this...this is bad.

Why did you become a nurse if all you want to do is bitch, moan and Sit on your fat lazy arse?!?!? Again, yes there are days that suck so sure a little complaining, fine - before you even get on the floor? Absofreakenlootly Not!

Yes I'm new, Yes I'm naive, Yes I still try to see the good in people - but you know what? I love my job, all the parts of it! I love the kids that scream, I love the old people that tell me what to do, I love every aspect of my job. And I have too!

I got into this profession after thinking long and hard and realizing that I didn't want to be a doctor, I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to really care for people. Even if just for a few minutes. I wanted to be that person.

All I see in coworkers, professors or bloggers is tired, burned out people. But the thing that stung the most...a Nurse saying that she didn't want to be the "Angel" that nurses are.

Nursing (with the exception of 2001) is the #1 most trusted profession in the United States. Because people believe nurse want to help others, and I'll be damned if I’m going to turn into one of those people that doesn't care.

Yes, my days suck - yes sometimes I truly want to scream and yell and curse but you know what, I can't. I have to make sure my patients are OK, and I will. The day I stop caring will be the day I have to quit.

Alright, I’m done, that rant is out of the way. I’ll try to post something happier soon – just working around some lovely stuff everyday.

And maybe…just maybe this will help:

Just a small reminder of why we do what we do:

Nurse’s Prayer

Lord, please help me to bring

Comfort where there is pain

Courage where there is fear

Hope where there is despair

Acceptance when the end is near

And

A gentle touch with

Tenderness, patients and love.

Amen.

Thanksgiving - ER Style

Well,

Thanksgiving has come, and gone. And I spent it in the Emergency Room. Well, I was taking care of people in the Emergency Room.

It got me thinking - what did I have to be thankful for? I mean besides the obvious of food, shelter and good health. I had family for one thing. Talking with my coworkers many of them won't be home till after New Years.

But I think that I saw something interesting tonight. Most of the usual people who come to the ER (aka people who have no insurance/are drug seeking/etc.) didn't show up tonight. Most of the cases were people who were worried and just had a few things go wrong. And nobody who'd managed to blow up their own turkey - I kinda wish I'd seen one of those.

So I guess I'm very thankful to have been healthy enough to be taking care of those who needed my help this thanksgiving.

I know I'm thankful for my job - I still know friends who haven't found one; whom graduated last year. While the world may tell you that the economy is better...South Carolina still seems to be taking a beating. And boy am I glad I've got a job. Even more so that it's a job I love to do.

So while it's short and sweet, I'm thankful for all these things - and i'm very thankful that I was able to help some people make their Thanksgiving alittle better by being there.

Empty like a deserted hallway.

I feel utterly empty.

This isn’t a feeling I’m use too. I’m use to some kind of emotion, recently it’s been anger, or pain, or something. But this feeling I’ve got right now…it’s just emptiness.

I don’t know why. I should be excited. In about 12 hours I’m going to be caring for people all by myself. I’m going to be taking care of them, doing what I can to ensure that they make it out of the hospital alive, etc. etc.

But I don’t feel anything.

It’s not burn out, depression, or anything else. It’s just emptiness. And I’d love to know where it came from.

Well…I sort of know. It’s coming from the wall I build whenever I’m scared and don’t want to be hurt. Or when I’ve been hurt and am trying to prevent any more pain. But honestly…right now I’d rather have the pain, the anger, the ANYTHING.

I know I’m alive (my pulse is going, my heart beating) and like I said I’m not depressed. I’m not even resigned that tomorrow is gunna suck, or the day after that, or the one after that.

I just feel like something left me. I went to the second funeral/calling hours in one week today. November btw is starting to suck. 2 deaths, family member just diagnosed with cancer. I mean what’s next…and yes it can get worse, and always does.

I think I’m to the point right now, where I’m like – I don’t want to care. Because I don’t – everytime I do, I get burned. If I care about my patients at work – I get burned (they don’t want my help, only a hand out); if I care for my family they don’t want to listen (how do I get my 82 year old Grandpa to stop using fricking salt??? He won’t listen to the “it’s gunna kill you” argument); and we’ve already determined what happenes when I care about someone who’s not family or patient…I just get steamrolled.

But honestly, right now I just want to feel something. Even if it hurts, even if it sucks, even if it’s the worst feeling ever. I want to feel something. Oh well, this too will pass…

….Hopefully.

Goodbye Month of October, You Sucked

So who’s glad to see October go?

That month can suck my….well you know. I don’t think there were two days in a row that I liked in October (a couple days here and there that were “ok”). But I mean…even Halloween was lousy. Tainted by learning of a tragedy that far out ways anything to have happened to me.

But now it’s gone. So now, November is going to be better, right?

God I hope so.

I get off orientation in 5 days. *Gulp*

So I get to “play nurse” for real. No more people looking over my shoulder, no more excuses. It’s all about me now.

Wow…never thought this day would come.

….Never thought I’d be this scared about that day.

I’m not going to lie, my orientation hasn’t been what I thought it would be. I’ve watched some nurses get eaten alive on orientation (and thus sucked as nurses) and I’ve watched others get shown everything everywhere and they are stellar nurses.

Me? Mine was a roller coaster ride of what I could and couldn’t do. Of what I HAD to do, and then what I should do. Mixed in were a bunch of times getting tossed under the bus, and getting reamed for doing things for patients that cost time.

Every “good” nurse I’ve ever known says that orientation is the basis of your nursing career, it’s how you base the rest of your work on it – well, sorry it ain’t happening. I’ve learned some very important things; other things have just sucked on it. So therefore I’m going to be starting over. Relearning and figuring everything out.

After all, I’m too thick headed and stubborn to give up. I will find my way, and I will knock the pants off it!

So, nursing will really begin in less than a week.

The question is, what do I do with the rest of my life? I mean you can’t just work right? I know nurses that do, and they are damn good at their jobs. But that’s not for me is it? That’s not all I’ve got left in the tank is it? At 23??

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m tired of being alone, but I’m tired of playing games. I’m tired of being the “nice guy” but not willing to be the “bad boy.”

I guess we go for status quo. And for me that means waiting, just seeing what the future holds. Sounds good to me.

So, it seems good that October is ending, maybe the future will get brighter!

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right?

If that’s the case… Then well November is starting on a really crappy way of starting.

Last night I went to the calling hours of a former coworker. A 20 year old kid. Who was quick to laugh, slow to complain and always up for hard work.

RIP Justin Groves

November…your already starting to suck!

A completely unrelated article - about life

I hate being an adult. I hate being mature, responsible, grown-up, etc. I hate all of that.

Because when I have to act "my age" I have to acknowledge that things aren’t going to go my way. That life is gunna suck, more often than not.

But most of all...I don't like it because being an adult means that I have to act like I’m ok when I get hurt. Even when I'm Not OK.

Someone I know once said they don’t like to rant, because they hate people feeling sorry for them. I know the feeling, but I figure this blog is all about me growing up, and sometimes when you grow up, you just got to let off some steam.

So you know what…that’s what I’m going to do…

It’s been 3 weeks.

3 weeks since she told me she needed time/space. Not because of something I did, but because she needed more time to get over her ex.

Ok, that in and of itself I can understand, from a purely outsider standpoint, yes I can understand it – yes it can even make sense.

But I’m not an outsider. I’m me, I’m the boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend I guess). I should have been furious, I should have told her to go to hell, I should have said all kinds of “un-adult” things it would make your hair curl.

But I didn’t. I was an adult, I even ENCOURAGED her to miss her ex, to still care about him, even to try and CONTACT HIM!!! All while inside my heart was ripping itself in half. I comforted her, told her it was going to be ok…I couldn’t bring myself to be a jerk, couldn’t bring myself to be the child I so badly wanted to behave like.

Why oh, why did I fall in love with her????

I even asked if she wanted me to wait for her, and she told me it might be a really long time.

I should have said “Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.” And split… did I? Of course not!!!

I told her I’d wait for her…check that, I PROMISED I’d wait for her, give her time – and if she wanted me back, I’d be there. I PROMISED I’d be her friend through all of this, promised I’d be there for her, no matter what happened.

And you know what, about 2 weeks later I finally got up the nerve to tell her I wasn’t ready to give up. I wasn’t ready to stop fighting for her.

So what now….now I’m not even getting anything in response.

Now I’m left wondering if it meant anything at all. Now I’m left holding the pieces of myself.

Now, 3 weeks later I can say: No, I’m not OK.

Even with the façade I put on, the smile and laugh I throw up every time I wake up in the morning, I still think about her. Still wish I could talk to her, be with her. I’m just not the kind of guy that gets over a girl at the drop of a hat.

And you see there’s that nagging promise…again I’m being the adult person – and keeping my word. No matter the outcome, no matter how much it could hurt me in the end. I will keep it, period. End of Story!

But you know what….it still sucks. It still hurts. It’s still a struggle. And you know what??? Why can’t for once, just once – something go my way???

Alright, I think…I think I’m doing being a child, I think I can go back to being an adult again.

Busy, Busy...Zzzzzzz

So...what's a good day as a nurse?

I'd have to say a day like yesterday. A day where I was so busy that I didn't have time to think about my own problems.

A day where I had to worry about my patients, and not about myself. Yesterday I had a whole bunch of everything. I took care of a kid with a fever of 103.4 (poor little guy looked pitiful). I had a patient who's face was punched in by his sibling's boyfriend (Alcohol does so many wonderful things).

I had a patient that was worryed about herself and didn't complain about anything - she just wanted to makesure she was ok. And then I had about 100 other patients that were normal run of the mill patients.

And that was the first 12 hours. My smart self desided to add 4 more hours to myshift to help out. And in that time...man it was tiring. Again more patients (learned it was a full moon last night, that explains alot). At 5 minutes before I would be able to go home, I took 200 orders from a doc that was half asleep while he was talking to me on the phone. Gotta love my job!

But yeah, all in all it was a pretty good day - didn't have to think about how sucky life outside of the hospital is.

So...um...stuff happens after graduation?

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I was actually trying to wait until something super eventful happened. And then when it did, I got busy, or actually just plain forgot about this little blog-o-mine.

But now that I have discovered it again, I believe it’s time to begin again!

So what has happened since I last wrote (…over 2 months ago?) Many many things. After graduation, I received my authorization to test (ATT) – which was my O.K. to take my Nursing Boards (the NCLEX-RN examination). In between those two dates two things happened – there was a celebration (a kind of graduation party) and I met a very wonderful young lady.

So the day of my test arrived June 18^th. I had visited the site the night before so I would know where it was, and how long it would take to get there (actually found out that an old friend was one of the managers of the site). That morning dawned bright and early, after not sleeping well the night before (for some reason I had all these thoughts about failing the test and the last 5 years of my life being for nothing…etc. etc.)

After forcing myself to eat something, and sitting in the parking lot as long as I could I walked in, and signed in. 15 minutes later I was sitting in front of the computer (furthest to the right, next to a wall – specially requested so that I would have the least amount of distractions.) and the test began.

Some of the questions didn’t seem too bad, but as the test wore on I begin to feel like I knew less and less. I watched the numbers climb up 25…35…40…50…60…70….74. I swallowed as I answered question 75 almost begging for the machine to turn off (75 questions is the minimum number needed to determine competency) but still scared that if it turned off I would have failed (after all one of the “smartest” girls in my class had taken the full 265 to determine she was qualified, how was I any better?)

The screen didn’t go off, the world didn’t end, question 76 appeared. I glanced at the timer, I still hadn’t spent a full hour answering questions. The next questions were truly baffling, and I was now down to trying my best to eliminate even one answer.

Then Question 81 rolled around. Honestly I don’t remember the question. I just remember staring at it, because honestly – I couldn’t figure out if there was a wrong answer…their really didn’t feel like there was. After re-reading it a couple times, I decided to just pick the one I thought was right. I figured I had another hundred of these questions anyway, what’s the worst that could happen. So I clicked it.

The screen turned off.

I truly wanted to puke my guts out at that point. I was so sure I had failed. Without a doubt, I was sure I was done for. I sat there staring at the blank screen, wishing I could go back, wishing I had paid alittle more attention in school. But I hadn’t, I was done. I walked out, handed in my erasable pad (that I had written every lab value, and med calc and conversion I had memorized over the past month – none of which I needed) gathered my stuff and went to my car.

That was the longest ride home, I kept thinking about the questions, thinking. I know I failed, caused I missed this, and that. In all the test had only taken me a little over an hour (I was one of the fastest and shortest to finish).

I got home, and called my best friend to chat with him about the test (he had finished in 75 questions, over achieving pain in the butt). We had both heard the “secret” about trying to resign up for the test and not being allowed to, and that meaning you passed.

The test is automatic, and knows whether you’ve passed the minute it turns off (a verification is sent off, which is why it takes longer to find out). But I still had to try. So I went through the whole process (twice about to fall apart because I thought it let me through) and got to the stage where you asked to enter your creditcard info (the theory is, that if you can pay for it, then you failed, if not – you passed).

It wouldn’t let me pay – I tried three times, and each time the same “error” message appeared. It gave me, the tiniest glimmer of hope. I had already planned on going to see the girl I had met after taking the test – it was my strategy to prevent myself from thinking about the test, so I went. Now I would have to wait 2 days before I could PAY to find out my unofficial results.

Those were the worst two days of my life.

Sunday morning (Father’s Day) – two days later. I woke up at 7am and raced downstairs (I had taken the test at 8AM the Friday before) and checked to see my results. The screen read “Pending”. I sagged, I realized that I had no idea when this day (or even if I’d have to wait till Monday) I would see the results. So I went upstairs to get ready for church. At around 9 I saw a missed call from my friend.

I called him back. And he wanted to know if I had checked yet. I asked why. After a dramatic pause he said he had passed. I raced back downstairs. Went through the process, paid my 7 dollars and clicked show me the results. First the screen went white. Then it showed…

…”Passed”…

I went nuts. I bounced off the walls, screamed like crazy hugged everybody I could find. I told my Dad that that was the best Father's Day present I could give him. I Raced upstairs (again) hugged my Mom, both she and I began crying. I had made it…I was really, finally…

…a Nurse!!