Happy "Hic" New Years!

So just a short one.

But all I want for New Years is a calm easy shift at the ER.

People, I know that you love fireworks, beer and bbq. But these are not good things to do in threes.

Also if you have a GAS POWERED grill – do not, I repeat Do Not add Gasoline to make the fire bigger.

So I hope all of your celebrations are awesome, I hope the champaine flows, I hope family and friends are around. And I hope that you have a good day as you sleep in tonight after it. I hope you can hold someone special close by.

As for me, i'll be here at the hospital makeing sure all those who don't follow the good advice are there for it next year!

So everybody Be Safe, Have a Good time – and Happy New Year!

So it's cold outside

And people in the south have no idea how to drive/deal with it!

Christmas Night it started snowing here and there’s been snow (albeit very little) on the ground ever since. And what happened that night? Every loaf of bread, gallon of milk, and carton of eggs disappeared! People…this is the South…it’s all gunna be gone in a few minutes.

As you can see, I’m not from the south for two reasons - 1: I love the cold weather, and 2: I know how to freakin drive when there’s snow!!!!!

But actually all that aside, this post has to do with what happens when these poor southerners realized that they’ve panicked for no good reason. Their coping mechanisms are proven useless! Ok so that wasn’t a really good way to segway into it, but I just had to vent about Southerners and Snow!

Today I think I discovered a new way for ME to cope when things start to suck. I spent 11 hours building book cases for the apartment I’m moving into in about a week. I have to put all my effort into the wood work because it’s kind of imperative that stuff be level! Also, I’m left handed and they don’t make power tools for me, so I have to be extra careful, or I’ll be going to the ER as a Patient and not as a Nurse!

So for a good 11 hours I haven’t been thinking about all the lovely stuff that bothers me (Being Single, stress at work – and now the new one, moving into an apartment for the first time!) And after I was finished I realized I’d gone almost a whole day without dwelling on that stuff – until I started thinking about it.

So maybe I’ve found a good coping mechanism (unfortunately it isn’t cheap). But it got me wondering how you can have a “good” or “bad” way to cope.

Sure on a daily basis I have patients that come in drunk, high or looking to get high and 9/10 they just want a way to deal with the shit that is going on in their life, I can understand (if not quite respect) their choice. I mean, if your going through your 2^nd divorce and your only 27….yeah I’d probably be popping Oxy too...no… I wouldn’t.

But still, what if a “good” way to cope (like exercise) consumes you and you lose your job because you were running your 17^th marathon this week? And honesty if you were just Code 40’d (Sexually Assaulted) I can’t think of anyone judging you because you’re trying to cope anyway you can!

But I figured I could at least list what I do to cope with stress (and life when it become sucky), maybe somebody else can give me some insight if I’m doing something right or wrong!

*And I’m going to skip the usual things like “Listen to Music, Read a Book, Take a Nap, etc.” Because everybody dose them, and I figure the more important ones are – well – more important.

I blog (I try to blog about positive stuff (and nursing stuff since that’s what the point is supposed to be) but lately it seems to have become a vent zone so that I can let off steam – that and I’m not so good at keeping up with it.

Building: Actually when I was younger I use to build stuff with LEGOS and that always helped…but when you get older it’s kind of frowned upon for adults to play with toys. So now It’s furniture, decks, a little bit of tinkering with cars.

Drinking – No Just Kidding – I do have a drink every now and then, but I don’t get drunk, I hate drinking alone, and 9/10 I’d rather have water anyway. But I do see many people who this is their primary coping mechanism, and I have to tell you – I wouldn’t want to be drunk, you look, talk and act like an asshole and half the time you don’t remember what is going on so you have to spend the next day apologizing for everything!

Not to mention hangovers have got to be a royal pain in the ass!

Research – yeah, it’s kind of reading but I try to look up ways to be a better nurse. I also try to go over information I may have learned in High School or College and see if I can relearn what I have forgotten (sometimes it’s pretty cool, other times dull as it was back then).

And those are the three kind of big ones recently. I do read and go running when I’m pissed but lately I just come back, tired, hurting and still pissed so running isn’t doing a whole lot for me at the moment!

What do you guys think?

Tis the season to be miserable.

Ugh…I remember why this season is the one that causes the most mental cases to come out.

1 AM and I can’t sleep because I keep thinking this is another Christmas (3 in a row now) that I’ve spent “alone”* I mean…there are times (like now) when I’d be happy just to be in a relationship – no matter how sucky.

*Yes I had family all around and it was great…but it’s still missing something when you’re the only one without a significant other.

Why am I thinking about this now? Well partly because in 6 months I’ll be as old as my parents when they got married. And I’ve got no prospects to end my long time singleness. And because I just thought about how badly all my past relationships have ended.

First one – cheated on. Second one – dumped because dad didn’t approve. Third one – cheated on, and lied too. Fourth one – cheated on, dumped because friends didn’t approve. Fifth one (same girl as 4^{th - yeah yeah i was stupid}) – cheated on, lied too, physically assaulted and then dumped because friends and mother didn’t approve. And last one- of which I’m still sucking wind about – let go because I’m probably not the right guy (Something I really disagree with). And while it was short…I miss her more than just the relationship.

But…ya see a pattern? Cheated on 66% of the time – NICE! Instills confidence doesn’t it? I mean seriously – I know nice guys finish last, but give me a freakin break! That’s plain crazy!

And this time of year doesn’t help, period. Couples always feel so warmly towards each other. Girls get rings as gifts, people elope because the mood strikes. I mean…even the girls whom I never thought would settle down are getting married (albeit after finding out she was pregnant! But Still!)

And it’s not just the being single that sucks (even though right now, that part really sucks) – it’s the fact that when I think I’ve found a girl – it ends like the above – or I get one of the greatest rejections of all time, like a girl lying about being gay, or having AIDS!) Arg.

Frustration builds over, and I try to do something (like joining a gym, going to a few new bars – etc etc.) Nothing works.

But I do have to place an asterisk by this whole rant – I still have standards too.

****The Following Will Piss Some People Off, And For That I Am Sorry!****

But I just can’t see myself dating someone that out weighs me!! Someone who does drugs, smokes, doesn’t want to do anything with their life, or honestly – that looks ugly! Yes everybody’s got inner beauty, and that’s great – but if there’s no sexual attraction, then there’s nothing there!

So go ahead, be pissed, tell me I’m shallow, an ass (hey I’ve tried the nice guy thing…you see how it works out! But, arg. I know it’s not gunna be easy but man…it shouldn’t be this damn hard!

Ok, I’ve ranted enough

But just so all of you know I’m not depressed (seriously!) - I’ve got to much good in my life for that. It just truly truly sucks, and I really dislike being single – even though I’m ok with myself as a single person…I’d much rather not be. Period, end of story.

…oh yeah and how do I tie this into nursing?

By ending with the ultimate crap on – my schizophrenic bi-polar patient, is married and has 2 children that missed her so much that they weighted in the ER lobby for 12 hours after she told them she never wanted to see them again!

So she gets to be married? And I’m still freakin single…yeah life’s real fair.

Merry Christmas to All

Well, Christmas Came, and Christmas went.

And over all – it was a really good one!

I (very crazily) volunteered to come into the ER so that people with children could get ready for Santa’s coming last night. And for once, I think God decided that maybe just maybe we’d have a good night. The night was steady – but not busy. We had a couple sick people, but almost all were able to be sent home.

The staff were able to joke and laugh and remember that the reason we do this job is not for the pay, or the great hours (ok so that’s sarcasm) but for the people we take care of – even the slightly crazy ones!

7AM rolled around and guess what, I had made it through the night. I drove home and what to my wondering eyes did appear? But a Christmas tree surrounded by gifts – I guess Santa came after all, maybe I wasn’t such a bad kid afterall.

The rest of the morning was spent with family opening gifts and getting use to the new things – It was quite wonderful actually! Then graciously my family let me go get a couple hours sleep, and then I was awoken to come down for Christmas dinner.

More family and friends had arrived and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner of lasagna and other delicious foods. Great fun, and lots of laughing. And a little later – cousins arrived and we had a family Gift Exchange. All in all it was quite a wonderful Christmas.

So while Christmas is now officially over, I wish to you and your all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Will a real nurse please stand up?

So...does everybody become jaded?

Does everyone start to hate being a nurse. Start to hate their patients? The Doctors? Everything??? Even the people that have only been doing this a couple years!

Yes some patients suck, the drunks who piss on your shoes. The Schizophrenic that attempts to tackle you in their break for freedom, the patients that only want morphine or dilaudid - and the just plain stupid/ignorant people. Yes, you will see ALL of these people in a shift, but they are still people?

And yes, the ER seems to be the worst place for all this. But still people, this...this is bad.

Why did you become a nurse if all you want to do is bitch, moan and Sit on your fat lazy arse?!?!? Again, yes there are days that suck so sure a little complaining, fine - before you even get on the floor? Absofreakenlootly Not!

Yes I'm new, Yes I'm naive, Yes I still try to see the good in people - but you know what? I love my job, all the parts of it! I love the kids that scream, I love the old people that tell me what to do, I love every aspect of my job. And I have too!

I got into this profession after thinking long and hard and realizing that I didn't want to be a doctor, I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to really care for people. Even if just for a few minutes. I wanted to be that person.

All I see in coworkers, professors or bloggers is tired, burned out people. But the thing that stung the most...a Nurse saying that she didn't want to be the "Angel" that nurses are.

Nursing (with the exception of 2001) is the #1 most trusted profession in the United States. Because people believe nurse want to help others, and I'll be damned if I’m going to turn into one of those people that doesn't care.

Yes, my days suck - yes sometimes I truly want to scream and yell and curse but you know what, I can't. I have to make sure my patients are OK, and I will. The day I stop caring will be the day I have to quit.

Alright, I’m done, that rant is out of the way. I’ll try to post something happier soon – just working around some lovely stuff everyday.

And maybe…just maybe this will help:

Just a small reminder of why we do what we do:

Nurse’s Prayer

Lord, please help me to bring

Comfort where there is pain

Courage where there is fear

Hope where there is despair

Acceptance when the end is near

And

A gentle touch with

Tenderness, patients and love.

Amen.

Thanksgiving - ER Style

Well,

Thanksgiving has come, and gone. And I spent it in the Emergency Room. Well, I was taking care of people in the Emergency Room.

It got me thinking - what did I have to be thankful for? I mean besides the obvious of food, shelter and good health. I had family for one thing. Talking with my coworkers many of them won't be home till after New Years.

But I think that I saw something interesting tonight. Most of the usual people who come to the ER (aka people who have no insurance/are drug seeking/etc.) didn't show up tonight. Most of the cases were people who were worried and just had a few things go wrong. And nobody who'd managed to blow up their own turkey - I kinda wish I'd seen one of those.

So I guess I'm very thankful to have been healthy enough to be taking care of those who needed my help this thanksgiving.

I know I'm thankful for my job - I still know friends who haven't found one; whom graduated last year. While the world may tell you that the economy is better...South Carolina still seems to be taking a beating. And boy am I glad I've got a job. Even more so that it's a job I love to do.

So while it's short and sweet, I'm thankful for all these things - and i'm very thankful that I was able to help some people make their Thanksgiving alittle better by being there.

Empty like a deserted hallway.

I feel utterly empty.

This isn’t a feeling I’m use too. I’m use to some kind of emotion, recently it’s been anger, or pain, or something. But this feeling I’ve got right now…it’s just emptiness.

I don’t know why. I should be excited. In about 12 hours I’m going to be caring for people all by myself. I’m going to be taking care of them, doing what I can to ensure that they make it out of the hospital alive, etc. etc.

But I don’t feel anything.

It’s not burn out, depression, or anything else. It’s just emptiness. And I’d love to know where it came from.

Well…I sort of know. It’s coming from the wall I build whenever I’m scared and don’t want to be hurt. Or when I’ve been hurt and am trying to prevent any more pain. But honestly…right now I’d rather have the pain, the anger, the ANYTHING.

I know I’m alive (my pulse is going, my heart beating) and like I said I’m not depressed. I’m not even resigned that tomorrow is gunna suck, or the day after that, or the one after that.

I just feel like something left me. I went to the second funeral/calling hours in one week today. November btw is starting to suck. 2 deaths, family member just diagnosed with cancer. I mean what’s next…and yes it can get worse, and always does.

I think I’m to the point right now, where I’m like – I don’t want to care. Because I don’t – everytime I do, I get burned. If I care about my patients at work – I get burned (they don’t want my help, only a hand out); if I care for my family they don’t want to listen (how do I get my 82 year old Grandpa to stop using fricking salt??? He won’t listen to the “it’s gunna kill you” argument); and we’ve already determined what happenes when I care about someone who’s not family or patient…I just get steamrolled.

But honestly, right now I just want to feel something. Even if it hurts, even if it sucks, even if it’s the worst feeling ever. I want to feel something. Oh well, this too will pass…

….Hopefully.